How to win a war
by ThanksIllPass
Summary: Obviously, it's a war between fangirls. Loki already has an army. How can the Avengers even the score? A not-so-secret admirer of Captain America has an idea. I warn you, this is a whole new level of retarded...


DISCLAIMER: I don't own Steve, I don't own Tony.

I don't even own his amazing alter ego (credit to MonkeyandApple).

**Omg... I can't believe I'm posting it. It's retarded, even for me...**

* * *

"Hello?"

"Is this Captain America?"

"Yes. How did you get this number? Who is this?"

"I can't tell you. This is very important, you have to listen to me. I have extremely vital information."

"Tony? Is that you?"

"No. I'm definitely not Tony Stark, also known as Iron Man. I can prove that. I am not a genius, a billionaire, a playboy, or a philanthropist. See? Told ya I'm not Tony Stark. I'm just a humble secret admirer. My name is... uh... Pony Park."

"Tony, are you nuts? What are you saying?"

"I am not Tony Stark. I'm Pony. Pony Park. Why do you keep insisting on me being Tony Stark? Jesus!"

"Because you sound like him. And some other... stuff gave you away."

"That's because I'm calling from a phone box. And you just probably miss his voice, and you're imagining things. I would tell you what's it called, but I don't know, because I'm definitely not a genius."

"Christ, Tony! What do you want, you nutcase?"

"Pony."

"What?"

"Pony. My name is Pony. Pony Park."

"Ugh. Alright. _Pony_, what do you want?"

"As I said, I have information. I don't know it first-hand, because I am not Tony Stark, but you are preparing for a war with Loki, am I correct?"

"Dear God, I can't believe you, Tony..."

"Pony. Now answer the question."

"Ugh. Yes. Yes, we're preparing for war. Christ, this is just ridiculous..."

"Okay, listen to me. It's important. You know that Loki has an army, right?"

"Yes. I know. But we have the Hulk, you said so yourself, Tony."

"Pony. But that's the problem, you see. His army is not only the Chitauri."

"What? Are you serious? This _is_ important! So why are you playing this stupid game with me, instead of contacting Fury?"

"Now, listen to me, I don't know who this Fury is, and I am not playing any games, because I am _not_ Tony Stark. Look, I don't know this because Loki told me himself, because I am just a regular guy concerned with your safety, and not Tony Stark, but I know it for _sure_. Listen. Are you sitting? You'd better. Loki has an army... of fangirls."

"..."

"Cap?"

"I'm here, Tony. I just... don't know what a fangirl is. But it definitely does not sound dangerous."

"Pony. That's were you're wrong, you big sexist. Just because it has _girl_ in its name, doesn't mean it's not dangerous. But I guess you don't know the internet, so you have no idea what you're up against."

"Enlighten me then."

"They are vicious beast. Rabid monsters! And they _will_ tear you to shreds. Fortunately, there are various kinds of fangirls. They are mercenaries of sorts. They _can_ be bought. But they don't come cheap. You wanna know what Loki had to do to afford his army? Do you?"

"Yes, Tony. I'm dying to know."

"Pony. He had to spend a movie and a half crying, getting his ass kicked, failing at his every plan, humiliating himself on various occasions, and being an enormous drama queen who didn't get laid, because his brother found himself a girl! He had to be _adopted_! Do you know how hard it must have been? That's what you have to pay to get fangirls!"

"..."

"Cap?"

"I'm hanging up, Tony. Just tell me where you are, so I can call Pepper to pick you up, you drunk."

"I don't want any pepper, Captain! I am not Tony Stark! I'm Pony Park, goddammit! And I'm trying to save your lives here! Huf!"

"Okay, okay, calm down, Tony. It's alright. I'm listening. Tell me, how can we get these... fangirls, and win the war?"

"Finally, you've come to you senses. Well, you already are in a quite good situation. I mean, Bruce is so miserable, and Thor is so stupid, and Natasha and Clint are so bad-ass, but it's not enough. You have to try harder. You need an _army_. So _you_ have to do something _big_ to get them."

"Ugh, okay... Fine. What do I have to do?"

"You have to do it with Tony Stark."

"..."

"Cap?"

"Do with you what _exactly_?"

"Not with me, you dummy. With Tony Stark. You have to _do it_. You know..."

"No, I do _not_ know..."

"You _know_..."

"No, I _don't_."

"You know... _Fondue_."

"_What_?"

"He'll totally let you."

"..."

"Cap?"

"Bye, Tony."

"Cap? Captain? Steve? Honey? Argh, damn it! I was _so_ close!"

* * *

**I am _so_ sorry... :D Thank you to all of you who lasted til the end!**


End file.
